Self #4: The Saboteur
Self-sabotage is the proverbial hammer over the head that finally wakes us up, demanding that we pay attention.
It seeks out successes (real and potential) and systematically sabotages them.
No pillar propping up my self-worth is too sturdy or sacred for it to subvert.
It doesn’t just destroy self-worth: it engenders a fear of self-worth.
To cope—to survive—I play cognitive Whack-a-Mole, where I seek out sprouting shoots of self-esteem and slay them before The Saboteur can.
My psychic landscape becomes a Stalinist dystopia with The Saboteur as the strongman. Here, I, a hapless citizen, “correct” myself—lest my Dear Leader do so for me.
With feelings, it feels better to hit than be hit.
Awareness is key.
Open rebellion is not an option.
Thus, I observe, record, examine—and, in so doing, become aware of just how full of shit The Saboteur truly is.
I reject its propaganda.
The next time it tries to undermine me, I greet it with a good-natured but knowing smile.
I say: “You are welcome in the guesthouse—but I am on to you. So behave yourself, ok?”